Sorry, but I did not have the motivation to print the dates of these incidents.

9:37 a.m. -- Complainant reported a suspicious male wearing a blue shirt and carrying a burgundy bag spit on him at Morgan Hall. The clothing appeared to have a strange radiation-like substance on it.

no time given -- A staff member reported someone had posted unwanted literature on a door at Glocker Hall. The literature was an advertisement for free pedicures.
 
8:28 p.m. -- A staff member at Golf Range Apartments, 3700 Sutherland Ave., reported some tenants of the complex were playing loud music and apparently smoking something that smelled like marijuana. Responding UTPD officers found the tenants were playing a guitar at a reasonable level and the smell was an ethnic dish the tenants were cooking.

10 a.m. -- Complainant reported his backhoe had been recovered at the Sports Bubble.

1:19 a.m. -- Complainant reported an individual had tried to drive his vehicle up some steps at South Stadium Hall, gate 8.

7:03 p.m. -- Complainant reported he had argued with a neighbor concerning the neighbor staring at children who were in the playground at Taliwa Court Apartments, Taliwa Drive.

4:59 p.m. -- A staff member reported a white female was standing in the driveway of Kingston Apartments, 2521 Kingston Pike, yelling obscenities at passing vehicles.

3:44 p.m. -- A staff member reported a 10-year-old male was riding a golf cart on Lake Loudon Boulevard and UT Drive.

3:03 p.m. -- A staff member reported a black male wearing a UT Rec Sports sweatshirt and carrying a briefcase exited the HPER Building riding a bicycle.

12:30 p.m. -- A student reported seeing two UT employees in a blue UT van go into Sam's Party Store on 15th Street and buy an undetermined amount of beer. The employees reportedly drank about two beers each and drove off in the UT van.

9:33 p.m. -- KPD reported a complaint of a male taking off his clothes on the Cumberland footbridge. An officer responded but could not find the suspect.

6:42 a.m.-- Complainant reported that a male in an alley at the Taliwa Court Apartments on Taliwa Drive exposed himself. The suspect was wearing a towel on his head, purple shorts, a tank top and glasses.

9:58 a.m. -- A staff member reported that some computer software was missing. The software was not stolen, but had instead been mailed to someone whom the complainant couldn't remember.

1:20 p.m. -- An officer reported he had to warn two females at the Veterinary College to stay out of the building. The individuals were trying to protest a goat meeting. A complaint was filed.

8:09 p.m. -- A staff member reported a drunk male wearing a hat backwards.

11:16 a.m. -- A mother reported that she had not heard from her daughter since Aug. 24 and that her daughter usually calls her every night. An officer located the daughter and advised her to call her mother ASAP.

7:15 a.m. -- Complainant reported a man who was apparently intoxicated and was wearing no pants at CSX Railroad. The subject was arrested and charged with public intoxication.

11:45 a.m. -- Complainant stated he was approached by a male in the men's restroom on the first floor of the University Center. Officers responded, but the man was gone.

 11:12 p.m. -- A student reported some people were hanging from trees at 13th Street and White Ave. An officer responded and advised the people to stop hanging from trees.

12:45 a.m. -- A staff member reported that he had confiscated some "items" at Andy Holt Apartments.

8:03 p.m. -- Complainant reported a large, suspicious group of people in the Alumni Gym basement who "didn't need to be there." Officers responded and filled out a field information card.

12:24 a.m. -- The North Carrick hall director reported a student had been hit above the eye with a Coca-Cola can and needed transportation to the UT Emergency Room.

10:20 a.m. -- A staff member at Hodges Library reported that someone had allegedly used her credit card to make calls to an adult porn number.

3 p.m. -- The Hess Hall director reported a voyeur was in the male showers.

3:43 a.m. -- KPD dispatch reported that eight cows had escaped from the UT dairy farm and were headed southbound on Alcoa Highway. Officers and dairy farm personnel rounded up the cattle and returned them to the farm.

12:19 a.m. -- The hall director in Greve Hall reported an intoxicated male had fallen and cut his head on a toilet. Officers were dispatched.

7:18 a.m. -- Complainant reported that his girlfriend had not returned to UT after an overnight trip from Memphis. UT police searched throughout campus for the subject's vehicle but were unable to locate it.

9:45 a.m. -- UT police located the aforementioned vehicle at 22nd Street and Terrace Avenue. An examination of the automobile revealed the missing girlfriend asleep in the back seat. The subject explained that she had been unable to find a parking space when she arrived and did not want to leave her property unguarded in that particular area.

11:57 a.m. -- A student reported that he saw a man hit two cars in the G-12 parking lot. The complainant also stated that the subject was still in the area and appeared to be "on something."

6:38 p.m. -- The assistant hall director at Hess Hall reported smelling propane gas near the J-2 level men's restroom. An officer responded and discovered that the hall director had checked and could not find an odor.

11:42 p.m. -- A student in North Carrick Hall reported a male had entered his room four times in the last two weeks. The individual reportedly asked to see someone each time. The complainant reported telling the individual that the person he was seeking did not live there.

1:26 p.m. -- A staff member reported a housekeeper at Greve Hall had found a large amount of blood and hair behind a stairwell on Tuesday. It was reported that the area had already been cleaned by the time of the report.

10:29 p.m. -- A staff worker at North Carrick Hall reported that a male was standing in the breezeway between North and South Carrick wearing nothing but boxer shorts, and they were on his head. Officers chased the subject up to the secondfloor, where he ran into one of the rooms and couldn't be located.

2:01 a.m. -- A resident assistant reported a male had passed out in the grass in front of North Carrick. An officer checked the subject, reported he was sleeping and was OK.

12:53 p.m. -- A student reported that approximately eight pairs of women's underwear had been taken from a dryer on Tuesday at Kingston Apartments, 2521 Kingston Pike.

6:47 p.m. -- A staff worker reported that a lot of water faucets were on at the men's restroom on the ground floor of Estabrook Hall. The rear storage door was open and the light was on. Officers secured the door and also turned all the faucets off.

11:02 p.m. -- A female student reported a male masturbating at Mountcastle Park. An officer responded, but the subject was gone.

11:53 p.m. -- A male student reported that a male dressed only in underwear made sexual advances toward him.

1:42 a.m. -- A Southeastern Services worker at McCord Hall reported an unknown yellow liquid on the floor. An officer responded to the call.

8:09 p.m. -- A staff worker reported people from a house behind Clement Hall were throwing beer bottles at the air conditioning unit. Officers responded and reported the problem was settled.

3:28 a.m. -- A student reported that she and two friends were walking along Melrose Place when they noticed a male was following them and and exposing himself.

2:27 p.m. -- A worker reported a suspicious person brought a package into the Claxton Addition Building and wanted to give it to a professor. The worker was suspicious of the package and asked police to check it out. Police reported the package was OK -- it turned out to be a set of pens and pencils. The items were disposed.

11:40 p.m. -- A student at Phi Kappa Tau, 1800 Lake Ave., reported a loud party next door. People were urinating in public. An officer responded and advised the problem was settled.

5:31 a.m. -- Complainant reported a male at the Student Aquatic Center had no pants and was masturbating. An officer checked the area but didn't find the subject.

6:52 p.m. -- A man with a deep, rough-sounding voice called the UTPD and threatened Peyton Manning. According to the report, if "Peyton Manning were ever seen on any football field in any state in this country, he will be shot." Police notified 911 to trace the call, but were unsuccessful. Police were advised to stay close to Manning.

8:56 p.m. -- Toilets in Hess and Morrill halls were continuously flushing.

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Okay, I think I have to put a little legal disclaimer here, just in case any of you yahoos out there feel the strange need to sue me.  To all of you I have to say this:  Don't bother.  The current balance in my checking account is not enough to fill up my car with a tank of gas, and I don't think that would really cover your lawyer fees.  Sorry about that.  Oh, and I think I need to thank the UT Daily Beacon for posting these little gems of humor on the internet.  Without them, I would have to make most of this up (and no one wants that, do they?).  From the bottom of my heart, I love you.  No, really.  I LOVE you.  Good day.